fusionatwork

All of us, in one way or the other, go through life looking for answers - sometimes we can get so focused on finding these answers that we fail to focus on the questions we're asking to get them.  That's a problem because when you step back and look at it you'll realise that the quality of the questions you ask determines the answers you get.

This podcast is part 1 of a series, designed to help you start to ask the right questions and to challenge your limited thinking patterns so you can see things differently.

Let's start with what I call 'brick wall thinking' - Brick wall thinking is driven by one word - can't.  The problem with 'can't' is that it doesn’t get us anywhere - it stops us dead in our tracks. It’s big and daunting so it often seems insurmountable - like a brick wall smack bang in our path. It’s so big and daunting that it draws our attention and we focus so much on the ‘can’t’ that we don’t stop to consider that something good must be behind it...(That’s right - ‘can’!). I mean, you don’t bother to build a wall unless there is something to protect, do you? When we start focusing on the wall and how big and hard it is instead of focusing on what’s behind it, we cut off our drive and overwhelm ourselves.

But in reality the problem started a long time before we actually got to the wall…come and explore the path to Cantopia with me, by way of a story about a boy called Jackson...

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Sometimes (thankfully) it doesn’t take life changing events to change us. This is a story about an every day experience I had which was rich in life lessons - one of those ones that comes back to haunt you well after it's occurred. Let me tell it how it happened and you can take from it what you will.  The story is ultimately about the baggage we all hold on to as we journey through life. It's about looking at what we do differently, and learning from every-day life experiences.

I hope that as you listen, you get out of the story as I did, and I invite you to rate and review the podcast and contact me to let me know what thoughts and insights it inspires for you, or to share your own stories with me!

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We’ve all heard the phrase ‘work hard, play hard’. It’s an ethos embraced by many and a fitting metaphor, because life is indeed a game.

And that begs the question, if life is a game, what game are you playing?  What’s your goal?

This podcast explores the metaphor of your life and challenges you to explore how you’re living it. In it, I share a story that proved a ‘light bulb moment’ for me and provide 3 questions for you to consider, that will help you in succeeding in your own game of life too.

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This podcast explores the socially constructed understanding of failure and how our thinking about failure and limitations can very literally and tangibly disable us from reaching our potential.

This podcast was inspired by a speech I heard recently and draws on the incredible story of Caroline Casey which focuses on looking past your limitations.

I challenge you to realise and re-think some of the beliefs and illicit assumptions that have been shackling you, perhaps even without you being aware, and re-consider to see what is possible when you look at things differently.

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In previous podcasts we’ve examined the thoughts - outcomes cycle that governs our every day behaviour and we’ve started to consider the empowering implications of what’s possible when we harness this new awareness, and change our thinking.

When we accept the concept that every feeling that we have; every action we take and the results created by them - even the beliefs we hold; all start with, or are driven by our thoughts, we realise that the words we think in are vital. They are the currency of our mind.

It follows that the quality of the words we think in, determines the value of our thoughts and the nature of the actions and outcomes that follow. And with this recognition the importance of carefully selecting, employing and auditing our words becomes abundantly clear.

However, there may well be a part of you (a voice in your head perhaps) that tells you that while certain thoughts and decisions we make in life are important, our every-day thoughts ARE NOT and cannot be life-changing. A part of you that doubts, how powerful can a few words be. I mean research tells us we use between 7000 and 30,000 words a day (and that’s just the ones we speak aloud). Research further tells us that women use 2-3 times as many words as men do each day (and that’s just the ones spoken aloud, who knows how much faster and how much more we think!).

I remember discussing this with a friend one day - the idea that (from his perspective) women talk ‘too much’, or conversely (from my own, if we were generalizing) that perhaps men don’t communicate enough! Being a person who has the gift of the gab, discussing this issue with my friend who is far more frugal with his words, he was excited to find an article on the web that said "Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000". ‘See’, he said, clutching at this factoid as proof he was right, ‘you women talk too much!’ Too much? I replied! Hardly, we speak twice as much because we have to repeat everything we say to you men." Confused at how women talking to much suddenly became ‘men’s fault’, a confused look spread across his face, "What?" he responded

I could have rested my case, but being as I had a spare 15,000 words I persevered and we had a good laugh at the irony.

So, my point is that if we (male or female) use thousands of words every day aloud, imagine how many we bombard ourselves with in our thoughts! And each one of those shapes how we feel and act. Each one of them is important; even though there are many. In the same way that just because a sperm is competing against of thousands of other sperm, does not make (him, it’d have to be him wouldn’t it?) doesn’t make him less important than his competitiors. With words too, it’s not how many there are that matters, it’s which ones get through. And the thing about our unconscious mind is that it believes everything we tell it - so they all get through! They all impregnate our minds with their meaning! For better, or worse.

So, if you do have a voice in your mind right now that’s saying ‘hey, we use so many words and have so many thoughts each day, surely one or two words can’t make all that much difference? I challenge you to think again - no really, think again! if they get through, they will make a difference. And the power of just a couple of words is what I want to explore with you today.

Today’s question for you to ponder is this:

“What are the two most powerful words in the English language – for better, or worse?”

That is words that can be either empowering or immobilising depending on how you use them? Given the power behind your thinking, I wanted to get lots of people’s thoughts on this, and I hope you contact me with your answers too. I’d like to share some of the ideas already submitted and explore the reason they hold such power, so stop this podcast now if you want to ponder the question yourself first for a while and come up with your own two words. Don’t worry, I’ll be here when you get back. Talk to you soon.

OK, ready? Here are some strong contenders, for the two most powerful words - maybe some of these occurred to you too!

· ‘I am’ is a powerful phrase. It allows you to create or affirm who you are as a person, to determine your identity, establish your mood or state or list your defining attributes.

· ‘I believe’ is equally powerful. These words recognise your ability to perceive the world as you see it and draws attention to the fact that that is your choice - an idea worth pondering.

· ‘I choose’ similarly focuses on what you can do in any give situation and that there are always options, so it affirms your sense of control and accountability

· ‘I can’ often follows from this - and puts you in a positive ‘able’ mind set

· ‘I will’ is a commitment to action, far more powerful to its ugly cousin ‘I’ll try’, the former sends a message of positivity, the latter a message of doubt

Each of these concepts has merit and in a given context could be more or less powerful, however, in my opinion, we can go one better. In my opinion the two most powerful word phrase is:

‘What if’ - as in, what if we did this? What if this happens, what if I could?

· What matters with ‘what if’ is not so much the context or situation, but the attitude and beliefs that they are bound with…

· ‘What if’ to me is all about possibility. When said with a positive, curious mindset, what if will open your world in ways you did not previously imagine. The words ‘what if’ are like the gate way to your potential, to expand your horizons, explore new outcomes and discover new experiences.

· When said in fear, ‘what if’ is equally as powerful, and it will serve the opposite purpose - it will serve to maintain the status quo, ensuring your world stays in stasis, limiting your possibility, stunting your growth, allowing your actions to be dictated by fear and insecurities.

· So while ‘what if’ is not necessarily the most positive of phrases, it is, in my opinion the most powerful - for better, or worse - it’s up to you.

The key thing with any of these 2 word statements is that any of them can be positive or negative, its not actually how or where you start that matters, but how you choose to finish that determines the outcome.

In summary I challenge you to remember, it is not the thought that counts, but rather EACH thought that counts. Remember too that no matter how many thoughts you have, they always get through, so the nature and quality of your thoughts is important. You can work to consciously improve the quality of your thoughts by using affirmations daily or as needed, and by challenging any negative or limiting assumptions that leave you feeling stuck, down or unable.

I look forward to hearing your thoughts (literally) or questions on this topic - the 2 most powerful words for you. You can email me at jaki@fusionatwork.com and I promise to respond to your email.

In the mean time, have a positive, powerful and pro active week.

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I was driving home from work the other day when something happened that really made me think about the lines that define us. Of the significance of even the smallest decision we make, because we make them in the moment, without the safety net of hindsight and often without the benefit of clear foresight! Yet our lives can be changed in an instant. This podcast is about seizing those moments, challenging the limiting decisions that we live our lives by - re-thinking toeing the line, and redefining the other lines and boxes we create with our thinking.

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I realised a long time ago that it is the unreasonable people that seem to be most successful in life. This podcast is about exploring how our 'reasonable side' can blind-side us, and how we can reframe our setbacks to keep us moving forward towards our goal.

Fusion At Work podcasts draw on NLP concepts and skills, and explore ideas and approaches covered in our weekly high performance development program 'Pro Activate'.  For full text of this podcast or to share your thoughts or comments on it, contact Jaki at jaki@fusionatwork.com

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If you could do one thing today that would make you happier, that would allow you to improve your relationships and free your thinking, would you do it?

It seems redundant question, but I ask it because research shows us that just because we know something, does not mean we utilise it.

This point is well made in the book: Know Can Do! Put Your Know-How Into Action’ which is co-authored by the renowned author Ken Blanchard, and written in his classic parable format. Know can do centres on the massive gap between what people ‘know’—and what they actually do with this knowledge

So, I ask you again – if you did discover 1 thing that could enhance your relationships with others; that could make you happier and more productive – what would you do with it? Hold that thought for a few moments.

Because it’s easy when we put our mind to it. When we fully and completely decide to do something, there are very few barriers that will stand in our way – because the power of our minds is truly astonishing – everything . We all know, whether intuitively or from experience or learning that everything we are, everything we have, is a manifestation of the values, beliefs and thoughts that have driven us until now. And correspondingly that we can change who we are, what we have by the power of our thinking. Whether we choose to accept that or want to argue semantics first, it is easy to recognise the cycle that creates the very lives we live.

Simply put - our values determine what we focus on – and our focus drives our thoughts – which then influence our emotions which affect our actions and thereby produce our results; and our results in turn reinforce or influence our beliefs.

Beliefs which of course, have been garnered through previous revolutions of this cycle. So, we have Values - Thoughts – emotions – actions – results – beliefs … and so it goes

What makes the world interesting and at times horrifying, frustrating and unbelievable -for better or worse, is that we each have a different set of values and beliefs that are the engine or powerhouse of our mind – our thoughts. These different values and beliefs though many and varied, can be summed up in one seemingly innocuous word.

The ‘s’ word. I don’t consider myself a prude, and I have, on occasion been known to utter an expletive or two when the situation warrants it, but this is one word, along with the ‘c’ word which I personally believe does far more harm than good. The ‘s’ word is a wolf in sheep’s clothing, and it’s so insidious that we are not even really aware of how often it plagues our lives, nor how much stress and unhappiness it causes. This ‘s’ word generally focuses us on the negative and single handedly divides us and predisposes us to the to take the role of judge, jury and executioner; and as much as we all want to think that such unbecoming behaviours are not part of our own repertoire, we all do it.

If we’re honest, we all use the ‘s’ word multiple times each day (sometimes to ourselves, sometimes aloud), and each time we do, we are judging someone or something – and often unfairly or unnecessarily. Let me tell you a story of one such situation that happened to me just recently.

As a business owner and training specialist my focus is very much on getting and doing the business; that is looking after my clients, delivering seminars and designing tailored training solutions; and less so on looking after small details like tax/GST and all such other such financial guff. Being aware of my predilection to avoid such paperwork, I employ the services of an accountant. I was completing my GST return recently and so had cause to realise that said accountant still had all my paperwork for the previous financial year, and I had yet to receive the accounts back – 3 months after submitting the very last of the (admittedly late) records, dates and detailed requested. So I called my accountant, only to find that she hadn’t even started my accounts, let alone completed them! Boy did the ‘s’ word feature in the conversation that followed that little gem!

By now you probably have an idea in your head what the ‘s’ word I’m talking about is – that’s right – ‘should’. And like it or not, should happens. And every time it does, its not usually well received.

– I should eat better, you should have tried harder, she should have done that by now.

Every time we say ‘should’ we are making a statement about the map of the world we navigate by. This map consists of a set of unique filters through which we process the raw data that bombards us daily. The raw data consists of the things we see, hear, smell, feel or taste – all of which has no meaning but that which we choose to give it. And that’s what we do, we give meaning to things in our world – we ‘make sense of it’.

Specifically, we take the new data and process it mostly unconsciously by comparing and contrasting it to previous data and their associated outcomes – so that based on our past expectations and/or the social norms which we are used to we know how to respond.

The problem is that these beliefs and values which we hold to be important are often very deeply entwined with our perception or reality of the world. So when someone disagrees with our ‘should statement’ it can seem incomprehensible that they do not agree, it can disorient and upset the foundation we have created our world around. Religion and politics are two of the often more strongly held value or belief structures, and challenging or disagreeing on such deeply held beliefs can rock us to the core and trigger a strongly defensive or even an aggressive reaction.

Next time you feel that immediate ‘knee jerk’ reaction to someone else’s ‘should’ and you feel that gut reaction, I would challenge you to take a moment and pause to remind yourself that the other person is simply saying they have a different map of the world – a map that is no more right or wrong than your own. The answer to getting on with each other lies in seeking to understand, in letting go enough of our own belief, to consider the ‘why’ behind the other person’s belief. I don’t mean just listening enough find holes in or get ammunition to destroy the other person’s rationale either, but really, tapping into that inner curiosity we all have, to understand the why behind the should.

Each of us has our own unique set of expectations, norms, values and beliefs we have developed over the years – we express and think of them in ‘should statements’. It is this set of often unspoken internal frames of reference or guidelines that helps us respond quickly in new situations.

Sometimes that’s the problem, sometimes we respond too quickly, and that’s when relationships can be damaged. By instead seeking to understand the other person’s ‘shoulds’ we open up understanding. So, in closing I hope you take away these key points and tips today, and that you add them to your continuously developing repertoire:

1. We each have our own maps we navigate the world by, and none is wrong, or right, its just a frame of reference we’ve developed from our own unique upbringing

2. Should’ is a statement of belief and can be a source of information to get to know what makes the other person tick – by exploring someone else’s shoulds we can literally visit the world as experienced by that person

3. Shoulds can divide and pitch people against each other if we let them – it’s worth recognising any time we apply our shoulds to others we seek to make the world confirm to our map of the world and the world becomes a smaller and far less interesting place.

4. Should is a poor motivator – for tips on how to move away from should and find more effective motivators subscribe to Fusion At work podcasts, where we’ll also give you tips on how to effectively respond to someone else’s ‘should’, without having it turn into a should-fight.

Well, that’s all from me for now. Have an amazing, positive and Pro active week.

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Have you ever stopped to consider the nature and power of the words you use? If you have, you too may have noticed that the words ‘I shouldn’t’ are most commonly uttered during or just before you go on to do the very thing that you (apparently) ‘should not’ have done? The sampling of the chocolate again (in case the 5^th piece tasted different to the first four) Or perhaps this only applies to me!) Perhaps for you, it’s quite the opposite – for you, its when you think or say the words ‘I should…’ which become a precursor to you NOT following through with your own advice! As in I really should go for that run, finish this now, say how I feel - It’s as if the words which so often are meant to motivate or direct positive action serve the very opposite purpose! Almost as if the thought is finished with the unspoken words (i.e. I shouldn’t - but I will, or I should, but I won’t)

So how do we create the opposite of the result we are purportedly ‘trying’ to create?

Let’s take a look. I invite you now to pause, just for a moment and recall the last time you used the ‘s’ word (that’s right ‘should’) and identify what you were trying to motivate yourself to do AND what you were focused on at that time – go ahead and make a picture in your mind of the situation – what did you see, taste, smell, feel, hear that prompted the illicit but well intentioned ‘s’ word? What thoughts and pictures went through your mind? As you reconstruct this memory, let me share a recent experience I had, and you can compare it to your own and see how closely our thinking corresponds.

It’s the weekend and the sun is shining – streaming in through the windows of my sitting room as I sit (appropriately) relaxed and basking in the warmth of the sun. Its 5pm on a Saturday evening and I am contentedly munching on a bag of salt and vinegar chips, (my favourite) dipped in home-made dip no less, and washed down with a cold beverage. Ahhh, this is the life! The only problem with chips however, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, is that they’re rather ‘moreish’? Do you like how we do that with our language? Words are the consumables of our mind and we can do anything we choose (subconsciously or otherwise) with them. Through my words I put the onus on the chips. That’s right, perhaps you’ve done it before to – we actually blame the chips – those inanimate not-at-all-intentioned, yet somehow disingenuous and most cunning of foodstuffs – the potato chip or crisp. They are moreish - It’s not my lack of will power you understand – it’s the chips, they are moreish! So what is one to do?

Beautiful what we do with our words. Anyhow…

I know when I made the dip and liberated the bag of chips from the pantry that I did not intend on polishing off the lot, yet as I respond to the moreishness of said chips, I notice that between Tim and I, the ratio of chips to bag is dwindling alarmingly fast, as the chips succumb to the select – dip - munch routine that is chip eating. In fact it is only as I put my hand in the bag to get another chip, that I notice that I have to reach my hand much further down to locate one, in fact I have to cradle the bottom of the bag with my other hand to acquire a chip at all now!

I also notice that said chips are getting smaller and more difficult to pick up as I reach the very dregs of the bag. Not to be beaten, my concentration and dexterity increase accordingly, and I work skilfully to dunk the crumbled chips - the chiplets as it were, into the dip without ending up with dip encrusted fingers.

As I exert this extra effort I hear a voice in my head, it pipes up each time my hand heads unerringly for the bag and it says ‘I shouldn’t’,

yet my actions continue: select – dip – munch – hmmm

The next time I reach down into the bag, the voice sounds again ‘Oh, I really shouldn’t select – dip – munch – hmmm

The voice is having little impact on the chip eating process, and perhaps because my hunger is sated I start to get interested in the process I have used to create this so called ‘unwanted’ outcome… I turn my focus to the experience I am creating as I eat – as I look at the chips I can see the salt and flavour on the crunchy snack; as I eat, the salty, vinegary taste of the chips explodes on my tongue – tasty and tangy; and the sound and texture of the crunching is overwhelmingly satisfying – this information is processed in my brain and it responds – yummm – good – more!

All of this stimulus is being combated by a single lone voice with a measly, somewhat impotent set of non-sensory guilt-based words that do not evoke a positive image or association or the urgency required to halt the behaviour. Instead all my senses are tied up with focusing on things that drive the current behaviour - none are aiding and abetting the traitorous ‘s’ word.

And when you get right down to it, in that moment – I really want that chip. Because in that moment, the chips are far more real and satisfying than any benefit I may gain from not chomping that chip. So the chomping continues - select – dip – munch – hmmm and as it does, the waistline no doubt gives a corresponding sigh of defeat, but it is drowned out by the select – dip – munch – hmmm of the moment.

And in this story lies the reason ‘should’ does not motivate. Let us first look at what motivation is

Motivation occurs when we see something we want and do not yet have and we perceive the ability to bridge that gap and fulfil that goal. This means that motivation, by definition is defined by what we pay attention to and the associated beliefs and feelings we have to a given object or action.

In my case chips were associated with feelings of satisfaction and enjoyment, while the very concept of ‘should not eat’ had no such positive associations. Even though I know, that chips are not the healthiest of snacks, even though I knew that dinner was only an hour or two away, in the moment I had perceived of something I want – I had made a picture in my head of what it would be like, taste like, see and sound like to enjoy chips and dip and I successfully put actions in place to realise that dream.

On the other hand however, it is far harder to put in place a picture of enjoying and achieving something through inaction – what senses does one call on to do this? What does it taste, smell, feel, sound or look like to do nothing? And what does one get from nothing? Now there’s a conundrum! Moreover, to successfully NOT eat the chips I have to first believe that NOT doing something is DEFINITELY going to lead to a positive outcome AND I need a new strategy to do something else to deal with my desire for instant gratification.

For all of these reasons ‘should’ and ‘shouldn’t’ simply do not cut the mustard – they are not sensory based – nor are they empowering. Should in this case begs an important question; and here’s a useful tip for you – I call it ‘what if thinking’. Two powerful words, which, when employed with a positive, curious attitude can open up whole worlds of understanding and new possibilities. ‘What if thinking’ can be embodied with a simple, powerful question - ‘what will happen if I do?’

By challenging myself with that question and really stopping to imbue the answer with vivid sensory embellishment to make it real, I put myself on the path to finding my own inner motivation to step away from those potato chips.

Let’s try it now. Sensory stimulus from the chips triggers the voice in my head which says ‘I shouldn’t’ so this time I challenge the voice – I respond. OK, what will happen if I do? Now lets follow that thought process…

What if I do eat the potato chips? Let’s imagineer the answer together … What will happen if I do? I see an image of myself having eaten the chips then standing in front of the mirror the next day, turning sideways, back and front, trying and failing to find a ‘good angle’ and feeling bloated and miserable – I link those sensory stimuli back to this moment with my hand in the bag and make the association. So that is what will happen if I do, I know, I’ve done it before. I can make the ‘outcome’ picture as bold, and the feelings and sounds as real as I want by using the power of my memory and imagination. Suddenly the next chip doesn’t seem so attractive and my hand drifts away from the bag. Perhaps the smell of the dip no longer tantalises and the chips no longer look as appetising as well.

I can then take the next step and ask myself the opposite question ‘what will happen if I don’t’ eat those chips? And now I make a picture of myself looking slim, trim and feeling energetic and positive, looking in the mirror and seeing all the good angles! Hearing the compliments from others and enjoying the feeling of satisfaction and achievement from sticking to my resolution to get in shape. I can imbue these emotions and pictures to the idea of relaxing without food, or even to doing something positive to get me there more quickly, - for example going for a walk or run to get the endorphins flowing. Now, not only am I not doing the ‘unwanted’ action, but I have integrated a strategy to deal with the need for instant gratification - now I have a complete solution.

There is a lot to take in with this new strategy I’m running, and you may want to rewind and listen to this process again; but the key point you can take from this podcast is that until we imbue our thoughts with useful associated senses that make the statement attractive and real, they are unlikely to be able to combat the ‘real’ senses our body is already experiencing. In addition, its worth recognising that the words ‘I should’ are far less powerful than your other thought option which is ‘I will’. And that’s exactly what it comes down to - your will. What will you do now with what you know? What will you choose to focus on and what words will you use to fuel your thoughts and actions?

Empowered thinking is a simple process and it starts with you clarifying what you want and making the choices and putting in place the strategies that will lead you there. Empowered thoughts create empowered actions - Happy thinking everyone!’

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